Twelve Conversations for Couples

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Twelve Conversations for Couples

Begin conversations that matter with your partner around these key life issues.

  • Work

    1. Am I more comfortable with a job that has flexible hours, which might include evening and weekend work, or do I prefer a standard 40-hour week?
    2. Is it more important that I have a job that is satisfying and creative or one that produces a high income? Or di I need to have both?
    3. Am I doing the kind of work that I want to do? If not, what type of work would I prefer?
    4. Am I more comfortable moving around from job to job to broaden my life experience, or are loyalty to a company and stability more important to me?
    5. Do I enjoy a high-pressure environment at work or does that cause stress for me?
    6. Is it important that I move up the ladder in my career (including titles and professional recognition), or is personal enjoyment and satisfaction a higher value for me?
    7. Am I counting on my job to satisfy my need for creativity, or do I have other hobbies or activities that provide a creative outlet?
    8. Is it meaningful for me to be able to discuss details of my work with my partner, or would I prefer to “leave it all at the office”?
    9. In what ways do I want my partner to be involved or interested in my work?
    10. Do I need further training to be able to do a job I would prefer?
    11. If I had any other expectations about work, what would they be?

  • Time

    1. Do I need time to myself away from work/school, friends and family? If so, what are my needs?
    2. How much time do I prefer to spend with my partner each day?
    3. What are my priorities for how I spend my time away from work/school?
    4. How much do I want my partner to check with me before making plans that involve me? What about plans that don't involve me?
    5. Do I prefer following a schedule or plan most of the time or to "play it by ear" and "go with the flow"? For example, do I prefer to plan weekends or be more spontaneous?
    6. If I had any other expectations about time, what would they be?

  • Money

    1. To what degree is the money I earn a barometer of my feeling of success in life?
    2. What do I consider the ideal financial situation for me?
    3. How should income/expenses be shared with my partner? 
    4. How do I value the time I or my partner spend working to care for home and children relative to income producing activities?
    5. Should our individual assets be merged or maintained as separate assets?
    6. Do I want a pre-nuptial agreement?
    7. How should future inheritances be handled?
    8. How important to me is a good credit rating?
    9. What are my values regarding savings and emergency funds?
    10. How much is it important for me to contribute regularly toward a retirement fund?
    11. What type of financial planning do I want to have? Do I prefer making theses decisions alone or with professional help
    12. Am I comfortable having debts/loans or do I prefer a cash basis? In other words do I prefer to save up for purchases or do I prefer to take out loans and/or use charge cards?
    13. Does it matter to me that my partner and I have similar philosophies about money?
    14. What is my philosophy about contributing to charity?
    15. If I had any other expectations about money, what would they be?

  • Health

    1. How do I feel about getting sick? Can I expect it as part of life or do I feel stressed, angry or guilty when I'm sick?
    2. How do I want to be treated when I'm sick? Do I prefer to be pampered and catered to, or do I prefer to be left alone?
    3. Do I think people should just "ride out" an injury or illness, or is it better to seek medical attention right away?
    4. How do I think I/we should react if our parents become infirm? Am I comfortable taking care of them or another relative in need? In what way? What about nursing homes?
    5. How much daily rest and sleep do I believe is healthy for me?
    6. Do I use rest or health issues as an escape from communicating or dealing with others? If so, what issues do I avoid the most?
    7. How important is it that I share similar fitness/health goals with my partner?
    8. How much time do I want to exercise on a daily/weekly basis?
    9. Am I pleased with my current level of health/fitness? If not, what is my plan for improvement?
    10. If I had any other expectations about health, what would they be?

  • Fun & Recreation

    1. What are my favorite recreational activities?
    2. How important is it to me to have fun/recreational time? How much time?
    3. How much of our fun and recreational time do I want us to spend together? How much apart?
    4. How much money do I want to spend on fun and recreation? Do I want to budget and save for this purpose?
    5. Are there any recreational activities that I would especially like for us to do together? How often?
    6. If money and time were no object, what is the most fun thing I can imagine doing?
    7. How much vacation time do I want us to have each year? How much of it with or without children?
    8. Do I want us to have regular "date nights"? If so, how often and for how long? What activities do I want to do?
    9. If I had other expectations about fun/recreation, what would they be?

  • Friends & Relatives

    1. Do I prefer a large circle of friends or a smaller circle of very close friends?
    2. Which is more fun: lively events like parties, sporting events, picnics or quiet evenings alone or with another couple? Or do I prefer a balance of both?
    3. What do I prefer to do when socializing with friends?
    4. How much time do I like to spend each week socializing with family and friends?
    5. When we are out with friends do I expect my partner to stay near and pay attention to me? Or do I prefer to mingle and dance with others?
    6. What are my expectations around each of us socializing without the other? How much time am I comfortable with? What kinds of activities?
    7. How important is it to me to have close relationships with my relatives? My partner's relatives?
    8. Is it important to spend holidays with family? If so, what is the best way to distribute our time with each of the families?
    9. How should I/we react to relatives wanting to get overly involved in our relationship?
    10. How much involvement do I want there to be between our children and grandparents?
    11. If my partner has an "ex," how close a relationship between them am I comfortable with?
    12. If I had any other expectations about friends and relatives, what would they be?

  • Spirituality & Growth

    1. How is religion/spirituality, if it is, important in my relationships?
    2. Can I be comfortable with a partner who has different beliefs?
    3. Is it vital to me that my partner and I be able to talk openly and honestly about our religious/spiritual beliefs?
    4. What are my hopes for my own spiritual growth?
    5. Do I believe that it is important to engage in adult education programs for spiritual/personal growth? If so, what type and how often?
    6. Is it important to me to attend religious services? How often? Where?
    7. What spiritual/religious practices matter to me? How important is it that my partner shares these?
    8. Do I value socializing with others who share my spiritual orientation?
    9. Do I believe in converting others to my religious/spiritual beliefs?
    10. If I had other expectations about spirituality, what would they be?

  • Home & Housework

    1. Do I care whether I live in a house, apartment, or townhouse?
    2. Does it matter to me that we own our home? Why or why not?
    3. Do I care about having land? A garden? A specific location?
    4. What would be my ideal home/property?
    5. Do I prefer to stay in the same place for a long time or moving to experience different locations, climates and environments?
    6. Inside the home, do I prefer an elegant look or a more casual decor?
    7. How much do I want to entertain at home? Whose responsibility would I like it to be to prepare for entertainment at home?
    8. Do I think a home is mainly just a place to eat and sleep or do I want it to be the focal point of my free time?
    9. Do I want to do maintenance and upkeep, lawn care, and housecleaning, or do I prefer to have other people do it?
    10. How do I want household chore responsibilities to be shared?
    11. If I had any other expectations about home and housework, what would they be?

  • Death & Dying

    1. Is it important to have financial and estate planning taken care of? Or would I rather not deal with these matters at all and just "let the chips fall where they may"?
    2. Do I want to confide and openly discuss my feelings, including fears and hopes, about death with my partner?
    3. Is there a way of dying that I am afraid of and want to avoid?
    4. What are my wishes about funeral arrangements (cremation, burial, memorial services) for myself? Do I know what my parents want?
    5. Do I believe in a Living Will and Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare (a contract which states your wishes to be or not to be kept artificially alive in certain terminal situations, and allows me to name someone to make medical decisions on my behalf if I am unable to)? Do I have one? Is it important that my partner have one so I know his/her wishes?
    6. Do I want to be an oran donor? Does my partner wish to be an organ donor?
    7. If I were in mourning/grief, how and by whom would I want to be supported and comforted?
    8. If I had any other expectations about death and dying, what would they be?

  • Sexual Intimacy

    1. How important do I want sexuality to be in my relationship?
    2. What are my expectations regarding the frequency and types of sexual intimacy/activity with my partner?
    3. How much value do I place on honestly and openly communicating my sexual preferences with my partner?
    4. Do I want my partner to honestly share sexual preferences with me?
    5. How important is it to be able to share/act out sexual fantasies together?
    6. How much of the time do I want my partner to initiate sexually? How often do I want to be the initiator?
    7. Do I want to confide any feelings of attraction towards others with my partner? Do I want to know about my partner's attractions to others?
    8. What are the physical and emotional limits I am comfortable with regarding my own and my partner's relationships with others?
    9. What are my non-negotiable issues regarding sexual activities?
    10. If I had other expectations about sexual intimacy, what would they be?

  • Marriage & Commitment

    1. What do I think is the most important thing in sustaining a healthy marriage or committed relationship?
    2. What other interests or people could interfere with our relationship?
    3. What does fidelity mean to me?
    4. What are the caring behaviors that let me know that I am loved and cherished?
    5. How important is it to me that my spouse and I confide most things to each other
    6. How essential is it to me that we both be committed to a lifetime partnership? If it is not essential, what are the honorable conditions for ending our partnership?
    7. If I had any other expectations regarding marriage and commitment, what would they be?

  • Children

    1. What do I believe about the importance of having/not having children?
    2. How often and how should children be shown affection?
    3. What are my role expectations for us around child-rearing?
    4. How should we handle disagreements about how to educate or discipline our children?
    5. Am I comfortable actively participating in all areas/ stages of our children’s growth? If not, what areas/ages do I prefer not to
    6. If our child has a minor illness or injury, how should they be treated? Who should be responsible? Who should stay home from work?
    7. What are my beliefs about private vs public education? If a child is considered gifted, are accelerated classes and skipping grades good ideas? What about classes for children with special needs?
    8. What values or religious/spiritual beliefs are important to convey to children? How should this be done?
    9. What role should stepparents have in raising stepchildren: decisionmaking, financial support, discipline?
    10. What is important to me regarding shared parenting with former spouses who are biological parents?
    11. Is it vital to me that my children achieve higher education? If so, what financial or other plans do I want to make to support their education?
    12. What is my opinion about grown children living at home? What kinds of support do I believe is appropriate to give grown children?
    13. If I had any other expectations about children, what would they be?
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